Editing example

Back in March (how time flies...) I posted my prologue. Big shout out to the lovely people who commented, privately or on the blog, to give me their feedback. It is much appreciated.

I have since edited said prologue, and I thought it might be interesting to show you what butchering editing looks like. In red is additions, crossed out are deletions and in green is where the sentence was kept the same but was moved. Needless to say the original prologue was itself far from a first draft.

~*~

A shadow sneaked through the small opening. A cat flap closed without a sound. Velvet paws jumped onto the counter and pushed the lock open. A small click of the keyhole later, the door opened shyly to reveal the dark and sleeping house. The hinge should have creaked, but the spell muffled the sound. A cloak billowed through the dark and sleeping house. Yet there were noises, so many noises: buzzing from the refrigerator, a tick-tock from a grandfather clock, a car revving past on its way back from a drunken night. Probably. Who knew, with these foreign sounds? Back home it would have been creaking wood and wind in the trees, perhaps hooves striking damp earth and friendly barking. But he was a long way from home.

The man He waited until he was sure his entrance had not set off any alarm, then he crept up the staircase. It was pitch black there – they must have closed all doors before going to bed – but he knew which door to head for. He had studied the comings and goings on the inhabitants enough to know. Not enough to displace himself straight to the room – no, that would have been too dangerous. In any case, he did not need to. The shadows he had summoned cloaked him. It was as close to being invisible as he could, without overexerting himself with illusory magic. He felt his way along the rough painted wall, his fingers exploring the surface for clues as to where he was. A corner later Around a corner, his hand closed around a handle and pushed it down.

He tiptoed past the chest of drawers to the bed and the girl stirred as though she felt his presence. As though she sensed all that would happen next. A silver blade appeared from the darkness and neared moved towards the pillow. The moonlight shone through the window, but he was safe. Even if she woke up now, all she would see was shadows.

If she woke up now, she would be able to see him. “But she won’t”, he told himself.

The dagger fell toward the girl's bare neck.

In a flash of silver and the swish of a cloak, he was down the stairs and out of the house, clutching a lock of silvery-blonde hair.

~*~

Now if you found that a bit confusing, this is what the prologue looks like now:

Prologue

A shadow sneaked through the small opening. A cat flap closed without a sound. Velvet paws jumped onto the counter and pushed the lock open. A small click of the keyhole later, the door opened shyly to reveal the dark and sleeping house. The hinge should have creaked, but the spell muffled the sound. Yet there were noises: buzzing from the refrigerator, a tick-tock from a grandfather clock, a car revving past on its way back from a drunken night. Probably. Who knew, with these foreign sounds? Back home it would have been the wind in the trees, hooves striking damp earth and friendly barking. But he was a long way from home.

He waited until he was sure his entrance had not set off any alarm, then crept up the staircase. It was pitch black there – they must have closed all doors before going to bed – but he knew which door to head for. He had studied the comings and goings of the inhabitants enough to know. Not enough to displace himself straight into the room - no, that would have been too dangerous. In any case, he did not need to. The shadows he had summoned cloaked him; it was as close to being invisible as he could, without overexerting himself with illusory magic. He felt his way along the rough painted wall, his fingers exploring the surface for clues as to where he was. Around a corner his hand closed around a handle and pushed it down.

He tiptoed past the chest of drawers to the bed and the girl stirred as though she felt his presence. As though she sensed all that would happen next. A silver blade appeared from the darkness and moved towards the pillow. The moonlight shone through the window, but he was safe. Even if she woke up now, all she would see was shadows. The dagger fell toward the girl's bare neck.

In a flash of silver and the swish of a cloak, he was down the stairs and out of the house, clutching a lock of silvery-blonde hair.